I bet after last week’s entry your thought this column had peaked. Cyrus Sullivan is here in his attempt to prove otherwise

Warning: This article contains material that most readers will find at best weird at worst disturbing.


Cyrus Sullivan's "Worst Case Scenario"

Somebody left a box of electrical bits within the Elstree complex a couple of weeks ago, and it all went off (air) from there. Who could have predicted that? Not even the great Mr Pitt, God bless him.

That's what this column's all about - the possible effects that the unexpected could have on the housemates, the house and, of course, us and me, the mildly contented voyeurs. Mere speculation? Yes... but I love it. I hope you do too.


Scenario 1: Badgers

Badgers are a common site around industrial estates. They are especially fond of foraging for anything they can find outside human habitations. But what would happen if a small band of, say, five badgers found their way into the house complex? Most, if not some of their activities take place at night; all it would take is for one of this vicious band of monochrome monsters to chew through a power cable, and the lights, cameras and, quite possibly the action would be plunged into darkness. Panic, as the housemates realise that the power has been lost, followed, perhaps, by a brief sense of relief, as they realise that the cameras cannot track their actions. Followed, perhaps, by another brief sense of relief.

But that might not be the end of it. Security guards, who would have been looking forward to a moment like this, had there not been an moment a bit different to this the other Friday, would storm the grounds, and frighten the badgers into a frenzy, perhaps gaining entry to the house, and savagely having a good go at one of the housemates. The badgers, not the security guards. Disaster! Injury! Evacuation! Perhaps all the housemates would be asked to leave, as well, until the badgers had been rounded up and driven up the A1 to, say, Hatfield.

It couldn't happen. But then... it probably won't!


Scenario 2: Incorrect Eviction Information

"Big Brother House... this is Davina. Please do not swear." These are words that we have heard almost as often as workmates saying "controversial" in a "Tickle" "stylee". But what follows could easily render that innocuous phrase completely irrelevant: imagine the words on the piece of paper she's holding, or the earpiece in her ear. Then imagine it being wrong. Not the earpiece, the words. (Cyrus rolls his eyes.) In a Florida-style voting shambles, the numbers come out a bit muddled, and an incorrect name appears on the autocue. Completely oblivious to the mistake, she summons the wrong individual to prepare to leave, amid choking sounds from the production crew, and those who had spent much of the afternoon voting. Then an ad break happens, as if to give anyone still gasping a chance to breathe and for everyone (not mentioning any names) to decide that it's completely gone awry.

So what do they do? It's worst-case scenario time again - "Big Brother House.. this is Davina. Please do not swear, in spite of what I'm going to tell you." Does she pause again, for pregnant effect? Or does she say "Er, could you go and get xxxxx, please and ask them to stop packing?" Or does she let Big Brother do the dirty work. "This is the Big Brother - the Geordie one. Would xxxxx please stop making preparations to leave, and come back to the sofa. Yyyy, you have about fifty-four minutes to get the blimmin' hell out of the house." At which point a riot breaks out; most of the designer furniture gets broken into little more than firewood, pointy sticks and a nasty splinter, and everyone makes the best of a good opportunity to go postal. It's been brewing for a couple of days now - the tension couldn't have got much higher (especially since the sheer trauma of the sleepover reward room at the weekend). One-way mirrors get broken, so do the two way ones, with unwitting cameramen becoming showered in the shower room. There's nothing for it but to get the badgers back.

It couldn't happen. But then again, it might not!



Much love

Cyrus

The final guest column is going up next Sunday and applications are still welcome. If you want to have the last word please send your submissions to jpitt@digitalspy.co.uk.